Something Curious...And No This Isn't a Hateful Post

Life is a curious thing isn't it?? I mean there are so many complex parts to it. One I find most troubling is the aspect of love, and more so the act of being loved. I mean, I find it easy to give love. When I like someone, I usually fall head first crazy about them. This usually ends up with me diving head first into a pool of pain when the affection is not reciprocated. I have the problem of overlooking faults (sometimes even really big ones that maybe shouldn't be overlooked). I find myself caring so intensely about others sometimes and I don't know how to stop it. Falling for someone and giving them love is the easy part.

What I find difficult is allowing myself to be loved. I was deeply hurt by someone in the past. He tore me wide open and ran away, leaving me there to bleed. The wounds he left were not shallow and it took me a long time to heal from them (sometimes I realize that they aren't perfectly mended yet). With that pain still lingering in my mind, I, at times, find myself unable to be vulnerable enough to accept others love and affection. I put walls up, pick fights over nothing, and always wait for it to crumble, which it usually does.

Upon talking to a good friend I realized that I'm not that different from everyone else. She told me that everyone has a hard time being loved because they are afraid of being hurt. If this is so, why does it seem that so many of my friends that are my age of 18 or 19, are finding "the one" and getting married? How is it that they are able to turn off the fear??

I don't really want to get married right now. As my friend also told me "You have to be famous". It has been a dream since I was little, just at that time I wanted to be an actress not a writer. So maybe it's a good thing that I can't be loved yet. I need to focus on my writing and when you have someone you would rather text instead of write, finishing a book gets difficult. On the other hand though, texting to tell a girl that you think a relationship is over, really sucks. Seriously, maybe you should grow some.
Okay, I think I’m getting too deep for quarter to midnight. I need to turn my brain off. Good night.

**Rachael Marie