19 Year Old Brains….

Highlights of the Last 2 days

I didn’t kill my recitation teacher (super feat)

Water Bottle Candidate smiled and talked to me**

I had lunch with my mom!!

Blue sky showed today and yesterday!!

I found out Katy Perry is coming to SLC in July

I’m going to said show with my Brother

My awesome roommates made me muffins for my birthday

My Linguistics class was canceled for today

I found 2 new favorite songs

Because it’s Thursday I don’t have to do homework today and can instead do it over the weekend

Overall I love my life!!!!

**Water Bottle Candidate: So as you’ve probably figured out by now, I’m a HUGE Katy Perry fan. She’s married to Russell Brand and met him at the MTV VMA’s, but because she’s Katy Perry it wasn’t just “Hey how are you?” conversation. She was across the room and through a water bottle at him, which connected with his head. They flirted and now they’re married. So now anytime I see a guy I think is cute or could possible date, he is called Water Bottle Candidate. So far there is only one and he is in my Theater class. No names yet, but he’s super cute. Haha

Rachael

Decisions, Decisions

I have lots of decisions to make right now. As most of you know (if you've been following) I've written a book. I finished it a few weeks ago and have recently finished editing it. I feel like it's ready to send out, well at least as ready as it's going to be until a professional editor gets a hold of it. I've found a few places to send it to; one being a publisher while the others are agents. I'm ready to set the ship of my writing career a sail. This is where I hit the cross roads.

This book, still untitled, is kind of depressing and to be perfectly honest I don't feel like it's the best writing I've ever done. I'm so anxious to start living instead of just talking about it, but I wonder if this is the right thing to put out as the first big "Hi I'm Rae Marie!" After prowling the teen fiction aisles of Barnes and Noble last week, I don't feel like it fits in with the other teen fiction out there. Yes I want to stand out and be original and my own thing, but it's going to be kinda hard to be famous if no one but my mom buys the book.

I started a new book a few days ago as well. Here's where the big problem fits in. I feel like this new book (already titled and planned out in my head) will fit better with today's market. It's a story I want to tell and know how to tell. Great you say, but it's not written yet. I'll probably take 3 maybe 5 weeks or more to just get the first draft done. I'm going back to my old school ways of handwriting my manuscript which means editing is going to take a bit longer as well since I'll have to type everything. Add in 18 credits worth of homework and work every now and then as well as a small social life...things are going to take a bit longer.

So here's the question. Do I send out my finished project even though I have a gut feeling that it won't do well, which means if I signed a contract I would probably lose it and never be the writer I want to be, or do I wait and send out the story that will fit better?? As I said decisions, decisions. On top of this, I’m changing my major….

**Rae Marie

Something Curious...And No This Isn't a Hateful Post

Life is a curious thing isn't it?? I mean there are so many complex parts to it. One I find most troubling is the aspect of love, and more so the act of being loved. I mean, I find it easy to give love. When I like someone, I usually fall head first crazy about them. This usually ends up with me diving head first into a pool of pain when the affection is not reciprocated. I have the problem of overlooking faults (sometimes even really big ones that maybe shouldn't be overlooked). I find myself caring so intensely about others sometimes and I don't know how to stop it. Falling for someone and giving them love is the easy part.

What I find difficult is allowing myself to be loved. I was deeply hurt by someone in the past. He tore me wide open and ran away, leaving me there to bleed. The wounds he left were not shallow and it took me a long time to heal from them (sometimes I realize that they aren't perfectly mended yet). With that pain still lingering in my mind, I, at times, find myself unable to be vulnerable enough to accept others love and affection. I put walls up, pick fights over nothing, and always wait for it to crumble, which it usually does.

Upon talking to a good friend I realized that I'm not that different from everyone else. She told me that everyone has a hard time being loved because they are afraid of being hurt. If this is so, why does it seem that so many of my friends that are my age of 18 or 19, are finding "the one" and getting married? How is it that they are able to turn off the fear??

I don't really want to get married right now. As my friend also told me "You have to be famous". It has been a dream since I was little, just at that time I wanted to be an actress not a writer. So maybe it's a good thing that I can't be loved yet. I need to focus on my writing and when you have someone you would rather text instead of write, finishing a book gets difficult. On the other hand though, texting to tell a girl that you think a relationship is over, really sucks. Seriously, maybe you should grow some.
Okay, I think I’m getting too deep for quarter to midnight. I need to turn my brain off. Good night.

**Rachael Marie

The Baby Has Been Born

Not literally, since I'm not pregnant, nor do I plan on getting pregnant anytime in the near future. No the baby I'm refering to is the book I've been working on for about 7 weeks give or take. It's been a struggle to say the least. I ran into several brick walls, had to "study" for and take finals, and sometimes just didn't want to write, but I finished it. I'm not sure if it's even any good, but it's done.

Now onto the fun part EDITING!!! Yeah not really excited for it, but it has to be done. Plus now I can start on my next project, which I'm really excited for.

I don't have a name for it yet, but here is the first blurb from the book. Hope you enjoy it.
Chapter One
There was something about the beach that set Katy Ferris at ease. Whether it was the waves softly splashing, the soft sand against her skin, or the sound of squelching birds over the bay, she couldn’t pin point it. It had been one of her favorite places to go when she couldn’t handle home any longer. There was nothing more beautiful to her than a sunset over the black water.
She stared over the water, her hands shoved in the pockets of her skinny blue jeans. A slight breeze scuttled over the water, ruffling her loose brown curls. The beach was completely deserted, just the way she liked it. She replayed scenes over and over in her head. His smile in the sun, his laugh, the glint in his eyes-it was all imprinted in her mind like a tattoo.
“I thought I’d find you here.” She turned to the voice, wiping her tears away with the back of her hand. “Are you okay?”
“I don’t think so,” Katy sniffled, turning to her best friend, Molly. Without missing a beat Molly took her in a hug and let her cry. “I didn’t think it would be this hard.”
“Oh Katy, it will get better,” Molly soothed as she gently rubbed Katy’s back. “Funerals always suck.”
“Tell me about it,” Katy tried to laugh, pulling away from Molly. It sounded more like a choke and didn’t feel right to her. “I never thought this would happen. We were supposed to be together forever.”

**Rachael Marie

Game Over!!!

Hey Peeps!!!

Like every other college kid out there, it's been finals week. Some have pulled their hair out, screamed, cried, or yelled during their first finals experience. I'm proud to say that all my hair is still attached to my head, I haven't screamed at anyone, no tears were shed (well at least not over the exams) and I didn't even swear over the tests. I survived and am proud to report I have finished my 1st college semester with a "B" average.

It's strange that I'm proud of that though. In Junior High and High School I was obsessed with my grades for the most part. If it wasn't an "A" in everything but math (I'm not a math girl so I was happy to take a "B" or even a "C"). I did extra credit just to do it and became a sort of teachers pet in some classes. That was just who I was. I loved school and couldn't understand why some did poorly (I still don't, but whatev). Being in college has changed my personal perspective slightly. In college most of your grade comes from exams because there aren't "filler" assignments to boost your grade. I've never been a great test taker and even struggle with test anxiety. Everything considered, I am proud of my "B" average!! I'm receiving credit for all my classes have even learned a few study tricks that work for me.

I'm glad to be done with my 1st semester. Is it common for freshman to have a bout of "senioritis"?? I know I did. Near the end I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to learn anything more. But I made it and I'm done!! It's time for new classes!!

I have a 3 week break to fill, and filled it's going to be. I was able to get my job back at Syracuse Family Fun Center and I'm going to be working like crazy, which is good because textbooks are expensive!! I'm going to be there a lot, so if you're looking for some fun, come visit me there!! I'm so grateful that I left on good terms over the summer and am able to come back and work the break. I'm going to stay on and help out on some weekends until school is done for the summer. Best part of all, I'm back to doing birthday parties!! I loved doing birthday parties when I worked there. Seeing a little kid's face light up with excitement is one of the best feelings in the world.

It's going to be a busy break with work and maybe a trip or two to Logan...let the fun begin!!! But for tonight it’s good night!!!

**Rachael Marie

Finals Week

It's finals week here in Logan...and everyone seems to be stressing except me. I don't know what it is, but I'm not worried about finals. I've gone to class all semester and done my homework and reading. I'm going over my notes, but I'm not feeling overwhelmed by the task. Yes I am nervous for my exams, but everyone with test anxiety is. I'm not panicking though. I feel ready.

The main purpose for tonights post is just to share the quote below. I found it online, stumbled upon it actually. I think it's so true and really fits some of the thoughts in my head right now. I'm not sure who spoke it, but it's perfect.

Quote of the Day: "You may not be his first, his last, or his only. He loved before and he may love again. But if he loves you now, what else matters? He's not perfect-you aren't either and the two of you may never be perfect together, but if he can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He may not be thinking of you every second of the day but he will give you a part of him that he knows you can break-his heart. So don't hurt him, don't change him, don't analyze and don't expect more than he can give. Smile when he makes you happy, let him know when he makes you mad, and miss him when he's not there."

**Rachael Marie

A few LONG Thoughts

It's been a week since I last posted, so I figured it was time to resurface. Finals are next week and I'm trying to study for them. It's a lot harder than I thought. I feel like I haven't learned anything this semester and I'm not sure what to study. It's like everything I learned in high school about studying has gone out the window. Hopefully I'll do well...and then off to a blissful three week break without homework!! Well not the school kind. I plan to spend my Christmas break editing!! (Hey it's a writers dream!) I've been working on a book for about a month and it's not finished yet, but it's almost there. I know what is going to happen; I just need to write it. Once it's finished I get to edit and make sure it's what I want. Once that's done comes the scary part...sending it to agents. I'm sick of dreaming of being published. I'm finally old enough to be taken seriously and I think that I could make it. So it's time to try.

With a semester of college almost behind me, I've realized I've grown up. Last year high school sucked for me. I felt like I had no friends, I was hurt on the inside by a boy and people I thought were my friends. I really didn't think that life could be worse. Being in college where the stupid girl drama isn't there (but yes there is still a bit of boy confusion...but I'm coming to the conclusion that confusion is just part of what makes them male) has been so freeing. It's like "So what? You're a b, fine. There's enough people on this campus that I don't have to see you if I don't want to." I can be me and thankfully I'm around others who love and accept me. I won't lie though, sometimes, seeing things on fb or old photos opens up the wounds again and I have to find a new band aid and remind myself that I am so much better than the person I was. I have dreams and plans and I’m not going to let anyone take those from me just because some stupid person wants to be mean.

Have girls always been so mean?? Lately on fb I've noticed several posts from young girls in jr high and high school and they sound similar to things I thought last year. Is the problem getting worse or am I just noticing it more because I know the signs?? One thing I do know is that parents need to recognize them as well. I commented on a status a few days ago and someone's response was along the lines of "you're kid just needs to toughen up". Um excuse me, it doesn't matter how many times you quote "Sticks and stones will break my bones but words can never hurt me", words are still a silent sword. Their wounds are the worst to heal and last the longest. Telling your kid to toughen up isn't going to take away the hurt they feel when they are left standing alone!! This whole topic is such a big one for me and I think it's because I know what it's like and I can't stand the thought of someone else going through it too. So once I finish the book I'm working on now, I'm going to write one about being bullied. It will be part my story and a mix of other's stories I have heard. If you know anyone that has been girl bullied and has stories they are willing to share, please have them contact me. I think it's time this epidemic found a cure and maybe I have the right words to administer it. (I've always kinda thought being a motivational speaker would be cool)

So that's it for tonight. I might start posting pieces of the book on here. Anyone interested?? Let me know.

**Rachael Marie
PS: We're working with a new name...I need a pen name that's easy to say and since there is already a Rachael Ray I can't exactly be her too.