19 Year Old Brains….

Highlights of the Last 2 days

I didn’t kill my recitation teacher (super feat)

Water Bottle Candidate smiled and talked to me**

I had lunch with my mom!!

Blue sky showed today and yesterday!!

I found out Katy Perry is coming to SLC in July

I’m going to said show with my Brother

My awesome roommates made me muffins for my birthday

My Linguistics class was canceled for today

I found 2 new favorite songs

Because it’s Thursday I don’t have to do homework today and can instead do it over the weekend

Overall I love my life!!!!

**Water Bottle Candidate: So as you’ve probably figured out by now, I’m a HUGE Katy Perry fan. She’s married to Russell Brand and met him at the MTV VMA’s, but because she’s Katy Perry it wasn’t just “Hey how are you?” conversation. She was across the room and through a water bottle at him, which connected with his head. They flirted and now they’re married. So now anytime I see a guy I think is cute or could possible date, he is called Water Bottle Candidate. So far there is only one and he is in my Theater class. No names yet, but he’s super cute. Haha

Rachael

Decisions, Decisions

I have lots of decisions to make right now. As most of you know (if you've been following) I've written a book. I finished it a few weeks ago and have recently finished editing it. I feel like it's ready to send out, well at least as ready as it's going to be until a professional editor gets a hold of it. I've found a few places to send it to; one being a publisher while the others are agents. I'm ready to set the ship of my writing career a sail. This is where I hit the cross roads.

This book, still untitled, is kind of depressing and to be perfectly honest I don't feel like it's the best writing I've ever done. I'm so anxious to start living instead of just talking about it, but I wonder if this is the right thing to put out as the first big "Hi I'm Rae Marie!" After prowling the teen fiction aisles of Barnes and Noble last week, I don't feel like it fits in with the other teen fiction out there. Yes I want to stand out and be original and my own thing, but it's going to be kinda hard to be famous if no one but my mom buys the book.

I started a new book a few days ago as well. Here's where the big problem fits in. I feel like this new book (already titled and planned out in my head) will fit better with today's market. It's a story I want to tell and know how to tell. Great you say, but it's not written yet. I'll probably take 3 maybe 5 weeks or more to just get the first draft done. I'm going back to my old school ways of handwriting my manuscript which means editing is going to take a bit longer as well since I'll have to type everything. Add in 18 credits worth of homework and work every now and then as well as a small social life...things are going to take a bit longer.

So here's the question. Do I send out my finished project even though I have a gut feeling that it won't do well, which means if I signed a contract I would probably lose it and never be the writer I want to be, or do I wait and send out the story that will fit better?? As I said decisions, decisions. On top of this, I’m changing my major….

**Rae Marie

Something Curious...And No This Isn't a Hateful Post

Life is a curious thing isn't it?? I mean there are so many complex parts to it. One I find most troubling is the aspect of love, and more so the act of being loved. I mean, I find it easy to give love. When I like someone, I usually fall head first crazy about them. This usually ends up with me diving head first into a pool of pain when the affection is not reciprocated. I have the problem of overlooking faults (sometimes even really big ones that maybe shouldn't be overlooked). I find myself caring so intensely about others sometimes and I don't know how to stop it. Falling for someone and giving them love is the easy part.

What I find difficult is allowing myself to be loved. I was deeply hurt by someone in the past. He tore me wide open and ran away, leaving me there to bleed. The wounds he left were not shallow and it took me a long time to heal from them (sometimes I realize that they aren't perfectly mended yet). With that pain still lingering in my mind, I, at times, find myself unable to be vulnerable enough to accept others love and affection. I put walls up, pick fights over nothing, and always wait for it to crumble, which it usually does.

Upon talking to a good friend I realized that I'm not that different from everyone else. She told me that everyone has a hard time being loved because they are afraid of being hurt. If this is so, why does it seem that so many of my friends that are my age of 18 or 19, are finding "the one" and getting married? How is it that they are able to turn off the fear??

I don't really want to get married right now. As my friend also told me "You have to be famous". It has been a dream since I was little, just at that time I wanted to be an actress not a writer. So maybe it's a good thing that I can't be loved yet. I need to focus on my writing and when you have someone you would rather text instead of write, finishing a book gets difficult. On the other hand though, texting to tell a girl that you think a relationship is over, really sucks. Seriously, maybe you should grow some.
Okay, I think I’m getting too deep for quarter to midnight. I need to turn my brain off. Good night.

**Rachael Marie